Your Racist Grandpa
Writer:
Simon Oliver
Artist:
Philip Tan
Colorist:
Elmer Santos
Lettering:
Sal Cipriano
Cover Artist: John Cassaday with Paul Mounts
Associate Editor: Jessica Chen
Editor:
Kristy Quinn
Group Editor: Jim Chadwick
Cover Price:
$2.99
On Sale Date: February 22, 2017
**NON SPOILERS AND SCORE AT THE BOTTOM**
Okay DC Comics, this is your third try at making a
John Constantine-led book outside of the Vertigo imprint, and I’m going to lay
all my cards on the table: it’s not going so well. I’m not going to belabor the
reasons why—I have a review coming up after this introduction for that—but I
think I’ve got a few pitches that could right this ship without sending
John-boy back to the veritable wasteland that has become Vertigo. As always,
these are freely given with no expectations that I will get any part of the
millions and possibly billions of dollars that will doubtlessly result in using
these ideas. The success of DC Comics is reward enough for me.
Gordon
Ramsay as John Constantine: Okay,
I’m not insane. I know you can’t actually hire an actor to portray a character
in a comic book. What I’m really suggesting is that you make John’s character like famous incendiary chef Gordon
Ramsay: he should be shouting at and belittling everybody, and also criticizing
other magicians’ spells and altars. He should also be a little
misogynistic…actually, this is sort of how John Constantine is already, so
maybe Ramsay is pilfering the comic book’s character’s personality.
Change
John’s cigarette habit to full-blown crack cocaine addiction: When John Constantine was created, the idea of a
chain-smoking David Bowie mage was still cool. Today, people would rather watch
a protagonist flog puppies than smoke a cigarette. So let’s tone it down a
little: get John hooked on crack. It doesn’t have to be instant, he can start
by dabbling in cocaine, then move on to freebase, and finally he’s copping
jumbos on the East Side with his conjuring money. He’s already an irredeemable
shithead, what’s holding him back?
Make John
Constantine a permanent member of the Justice League: This idea leans in the other direction, completely
away from Vertigo. Turn him into the absolute joke as satirized in the Hard-Travein’ Heroz miniseries. Have him
conjure psychedelic nonsense like Steve Ditko’s Doctor Strange. What have you got to lose? What we’ve got now is
worse than my high school Economics class.
I don’t normally criticize the comic book I’m
reviewing in the introduction, but what can I say. I’m in a mood. Here’s my
review of the Hellblazer #7, which is
as always unassailable and incontrovertible.
Writer: Greg RuckaArtist: Leandro FernandezPublisher: Image ComicsRelease Date: February 22, 2017Cover Price: $3.99Review by: Repairman Jack
