Remember the Time We Did That Thing That No One Gave
a Crap About?
Writer:
Zac Gorman
Artist:
Will Robson
Color Artist: Tamra Bonvillain
Letterer:
VC’s Joe Caramanga
Cover:
Will Robson & Tamra Bonvillain
Cover Price:
$3.99
On Sale Date: December 28, 2016
**NON SPOILERS AND SCORE AT THE
BOTTOM**
Didja know that all the water in Lake Superior—three
quadrillion gallons—could cover North America in a foot of water? It’s true. At
least, I assume it’s true. I read it on a list of facts about the Great Lakes
and it all seemed on the up-and-up. But you never can tell these days. With me
at the reviewing helm of the Great Lakes Avengers, you can be sure I’ll give
you the straight, unadulterated truth, if truth can be defined as “my opinion.”
But it is unadulterated! Just check it out when you read my review of issue
number three of the Great Lakes Avengers!
Explain
It!
And now folks, the moment you’ve all been waiting for
(despite having had no idea prior to this announcement): the secret origin of
Flatman! How did this strange, emotionally-needy man come to have the amazing
power to will himself flat? When did he utilize this incredible ability in such
a way that made him want to side with the greatest heroes in service of
humanity? Why does he have a terrible haircut? Well, it all started “years ago”
in Milwaukee, when Flatman was just Matt working as a barista at a coffee shop
and doing a piss-poor job of it. It was there that he met Andrew, a cute guy
that ran a superhero rental agency of powered folks and mutants that could act
as look-alikes for famous heroes. Flatman was a reasonable double for Reed
Richards, so at Andrew’s behest he did his flattened-stretchy thing for rich
kids’ parties and, uh, comic book conventions, I’d assume. Flatman finds this
work unfulfilling, and wants Andrew to partner up with him as more than a
boyfriend—he wants Andrew to be his sidekick, Paperboy, meaning he either has
some paper-based powers or he’s a mediocre R&B singer from the 1990s. Well,
push comes to shove, and eventually Andrew takes off because he doesn’t share
Flatman’s desire to be a superhero. In the present, Flatman sends an invitation
to Andrew to join the Great Lakes Avengers. And that’s the end of the
book—seriously, that’s the last scene in this issue.
And what happens in between is just so interminably
dull, it doesn’t warrant a recap. Doorman brings Mr. Immortal back and he tries
to take over despite the bad blood between him and Big Bertha, not to mention
Flatman already being in charge. Doorman gets pulled to the Void, an ethereal
entity he is supposed to serve, to answer for his tardiness. Big Bertha and
Good Boy stumble upon Mayor Snerd half out of his Nain Rouge costume after they
have a heart-to-heart about nothing in particular. And this is after Mayor
Snerd publicly condemns the Great Lakes Avengers on television and bars them
from being vigilantes. It’s such a snore-fest, though not a chore to read
because the book cuts quickly from scene to scene, so the pointlessness
portions are bite-sized. I still think the art doesn’t fit this book, and looks
like something you’d expect to see in an advertisement for Danimals. But since
this book shouldn’t exist at the plodding story level, I suppose whether the
artwork meshes is beside the point.
Bits and
Pieces:
This issue has a lot of intrigue surrounding things we have no reason to care about, plus a flashback so boring that it's depressing. Who asked for this book? Can you please stand up so we can have you arrested and subject to the due process of law? This is not to humiliate you. This is about justice.
3/10
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