I Can’t Even...
Written by: Chris Sebela
Art by: Marco Santucci
Cover Price: $0.99
Release Date: December 6, 2016
This has been an absolutely terrible comic and that’s why this review is so late. It’s so bad it took a week to actually start writing. I really had no motivation to write this other than to tell you guys what’s up with the issue. So, here we go. “Muscle Car Part 3” oh wait, I mean “Black Hearts Part 1.”
Explain it:
Why I thought this was part 3 was because Harley is still riding the damn “Muscle Car” and on the phone again with Babs… again. The dialog here is some of the worst I’ve ever read in a comic. What’s up with Barbara’s “I CAN’T EVEN” to Harley? Isn’t this in the future were “I can’t even…” wasn’t a stupid white girl phrase? Anyway, Harley is driving the Batmobile with Billy still in the backseat, you know, from the cover of Muscle Car Parts 1 and 2. I swear that Chapter 9 and 10 and Chapter 11 and 12’s covers were switched because they do not match at all, they match the other way around.
Anyway, Black Adam suddenly stops Harley and it’s a really bad transition because I had no idea what was going on and where Adam was standing on. It’s the Batmobile, of course, but it was so damn confusing. Harley is so stupid here, like uncharacteristically stupid. She still thinks she’s jacked up on green pull and upper cuts Black Adam square in his square, chiseled jaw. This doesn’t break her hand, surprisingly, and Adam flicks her away. She should be dead from this. This comic still thinks she’s a superhero without the pill and it’s fucking ridiculous! Harley is so obnoxious too, again, uncharacteristically so because she’s just so damn annoying. Harley is silly, I get that, but her dialog is of a fucking 4 year old and it’s not funny or cute and I’m getting tired of this shit.
Oh hey, NOW she has a green pill and decides to take it! She got it from her boot which is pretty unsanitary but that’s not the point. Where does she keep getting these fucking green pills? I thought they were low on supply. But she has green pills in every orpheus of her body and I wonder if she ever thinks they’re herpes puss pockets. We then cut to our heroes after the Grundy/Frost battle and Hal says that Grundy is in orbit and he’ll be fine. That’s cute, but for new readers, it’s fucking confusing and if they don’t know he’s a zombie, pretty much, they’ll wonder how he’ll be fine in space. Diana says a stupid fucking line here too “that doesn’t leave this dimension.” When would she ever say this shit.
Batman catches up to them without ANY OF THEM EVEN MENTIONING THE BATTLE THAT JUST TOOK PLACE. Batman isn’t concerned that that happened, neither of the heroes involved in the battle told him what happened, and they just brush it off like it was just a random fucking video game fight. Oh wait… . They then all continue into the Batcave where they can find that weapon to beat Supes and we see Damian is waiting for them, clinged to a wall.
We cut to a "Harley and her goons VS. Black Adam" fight and they fight and fight and fight until Billy starts making noise. Black Adam starts to lift the Batmobile to beat Harley with it, she catches it and yells “OMG.” What the fuck Sebela, who are you writing this fucking book for? 13 year old girls who played Injustice back in the day? Billy gets out of the Batmobile, yells “Shazam!” and finally this fucking chapter is done.
Bits and Pieces:
This is the absolute worst chapter I’ve read yet from this run. The dialog is horrible, the events make no sense, and Harley is annoying to no end. The art is fine, but not even the nice looking pictures can keep this chapter from angering me so bad. I couldn’t believe what I was reading and it left me wondering who this is written for.
3/10
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