Aquaman #6 Review and **SPOILERS**

DC Comics Open

Written By: Dan Abnett

Art By: Brad Walker, Andrew Hennessey. Gabe Eltaeb

Lettered By: Pat Brosseau

Cover Price: $2.99

On Sale Date: September 7, 2016

**NON SPOILERS AND SCORE AT THE BOTTOM**

Here’s some reasonably entertaining clips from Adult Swim’s Robot Chicken, all about Aquaman.

And now, my review of Aquaman #6!

Explain It!

Now concluding the story arc that might have been titled “A Shitty Hour of Aquaman’s Life,” Superman himself stands between Arthur, Mera and the water where, let’s face it, it’s the only place he feels like a man. Aquaman is like “What, are you the President’s stooge now?” and Superman is like, “Uhh, always been a stooge, dude. What did you think ‘the American Way’ was all about?” And of course, they start fighting. How do I pad this out? That’s all that happens, for the rest of the issue: Aquaman clobbers Superman one way, Superman clobbers him back, then Mera shows up and clobbers Superman…it’s like a weird three-way tennis match, or some version of Roller Derby where the participants are also the game piece. Superman is all “I know the Atlantean army is coming!” and Arthur is like “Well, you did lock up their king, bro!” and all this talking happens while they fight. Frankly, if this was more a mixed martial arts affair, it might be more interesting. But this is one of those fights where every connected punch makes the other person ricochet for a hundred yards or more. I suppose this solves the age-old question: can Aquaman, Mera, and Superman punch each other a lot? And the answer is: yes. Yes, they can.

The Chief of Staff who had a real hard-on for Atlantis two issues ago is yelling at Superman through an earpiece, telling him to take Arthur down, but we know Supes isn’t about to do that. So they wallop each other some more, while Superman is all “hey let’s end this peacefully,” and Arthur is like “let me get to the water so I can actually resolve this conflict,” and god, this just goes on for-fucking-ever. It’s unbelievable, really. Ten minutes of actual progression in twenty pages. This story obviously had no intention of being anything but successive opportunities for Aquaman slobber knockers. And it just goes on and on. Eventually, the Atlantean army shows up, and it looks pretty damned awesome I must say, all techno-beastly with air- and land-based components. Arthur tells the…general, I suppose? Arthur tells Tula to stand down, and the army retreats. Superman tells Aquaman, “Fix this. Or else.”

Meanwhile in Antarctica, King Fisher is telling Black Manta that, to join, N.E.M.O., he’s got to tow the line and listen to orders. No personal agendas allowed here, no sir, this is a tightly-organized conspiracy that’s got no time for slackers or naysayers. So Black Manta kills him and takes the throne, to everyone’s shock but ours.

This is just an abomination. I can’t believe this story costs six bucks a month to read. If you charged by actual story developments, it would cost a quarter. I mean, #2 was nearly an entire issue of just Aquaman fighting Black Manta, and that didn’t work—now they’ve done essentially the same thing again! And it still doesn’t work! It’s cheap, it’s lazy, and I think this kind of storytelling is unconscionable. You’re not getting paid by the word, make something happen. And if this is some attempt to write for the trade, well you’ve just made a very boring and meaningless trade collection.

Bits and Pieces:

The pointless conclusion to a meaningless, meandering story. Some great artwork is all that saves this book's score from being a vertical line. Superman's in it, but you won't like his inclusion. Tune in next week when we have an entire issue of Aquaman making a pot of coffee.

3/10