Supply-Side Demonomics
Written By: Ming Doyle & James Tynion IV
Art By: Eryk Donovan, Kelly Fitzpatrick
Letters By: Tom Napolitano
Cover Price: $2.99
On Sale Date: June 8, 2016
**NON-SPOILERS AND
SCORE AT THE BOTTOM**
Allow me to impart some advice to my
younger readers, around thirteen years or younger: for one thing, don’t tell
your mom that you’re reading this website. For another thing, make sure to
learn mathematics, even if you think it’s boring. Especially if you think it’s boring. Because chances are that when
you grow up, you’re going to need it. You might not necessarily have to find
the cosine of a wave or whatever, but you will likely have to calculate
percentages, or use some basic algebra, or even apply logic to accomplish the
boring parts of your life. I thought I was going to be some vagabond
journalist, exchanging words for cash that I would then spend on the
mind-altering substances that are known as “writer’s fuel.” Turns out my job
involves so much freaking math that you’d think I was on the Manhattan Project.
If you’ve already got a proclivity towards mathematics and the sciences, well
you’re probably going to patent some circuit or ergonomic cell phone adapter
design that will make you a millionaire by the time you’re thirty. But if
you’re some goofball kid reading comic books and MAD Magazines, watching crummy 1950s drive-in movies and laughing
unnaturally at classic sitcoms, and if you look up to comedy pratfall masters
like John Ritter and Chevy Chase, then you should apply yourself to being
proficient in math. I mean, even Constantine had to learn basic economics for
this issue, and he’s a chain-smoking, alcoholic magician. How does John use
math in the final issue of Constantine:
The Hellblazer? Take a look! It’s in a book! Or, more specifically, in my
review.
We ended last issue with John
Constantine enlisting the aid of Zatanna, Deadman, and Swamp Thing in ousting
the yuppie demon Neron from New York City. Well, now we open with the
applicable ritual; some forbidden, ancient magic that went out of style before
Go-Go boots were in fashion. His pals from the defunct Justice League Dark help
from their own domains: Zatanna is in her candle shop; Deadman seems to be in a
subway for some reason; Swamp Thing is in, uh, the swamp (and makes a pentagram
out of sticks for the occasion); and…I think that’s Voodoo doing some tai chi
in between some shelves at a library? Was she in the last issue? Maybe she just
saw the Mage Signal and heeded its call to action. Anyway, whatever they’ve
done works because it gives John some kind of magicky control over the denizens
of New York City, and he didn’t even have to put in a bunch of unnecessary bike
lanes and traffic plazas. Papa Midnite feels John’s influence over the Big
Apple, and runs to his boss Neron to warn him that he’s going to say “I told
you so,” and then says, “I told you so.” Neron is pissed off and glowy-eyed at
first, but then the cutest little demon in a sports jacket runs up to say
something has happened to the souls of New York! And it’s not gentrification
this time!
Constantine looks spent and bloody
after having performed his rite, but he’s also looking pretty self-satisfied
when Neron appears to him with a real bug up his butt. See, John was barred
from using magic directly against Neron last issue using a loophole in Magick
Law, but he was able to circumvent that by attacking the citizens of New York
with magic instead. You see that kids? Even the fantastical world of arcane
miracles and wonders is bogged down with bureaucracy and legalese. What
Constantine did to New Yorkers is made them boring, and therefore reduced the
value of their souls and thusly Neron’s holding. So wait, the value of a soul
is determined by how interesting its vessel is? What does that make my soul
worth, three cents? I bet Prince’s soul is worth billions. His hellish fortune
sunk, Neron makes a hasty deal with a broker from Fairy Land to dump the city
in exchange for eternal passage through their realm, which is worth something
because it’s a shortcut to the underworld strip club (there’s only one, but
it’s infinitely big inside.) After Neron leaves in a huff, Constantine reveals
that his spell over New York is temporary and the Naked Cowboy will be in Times
Square again in a few hours. Lady Alexandriel of Fairy Land likes this deal
because all of the souls they’ve got are stale and she so wants to eat some new
ones, the creepy bitch, but John makes a deal for the souls of his boyfriend Oliver’s
daughters to be spared because, well, fuck Bill DiBlasio.
Having saved the day, Constantine
struts on over to the bar that Oliver’s been hanging out at for like four days
straight to tell him that his girls have been saved. He babbles on and on about
his achievement, but Oliver has to stop him and explain that he couldn’t depend
on John to succeed here, so he made a deal—with Constantine’s ex-demon
girlfriend and maybe nemesis Blythe! Oliver exchanged his soul for theirs, and
after arranging his daughters’ transfer to their mother, is painfully sucked
down into Hades by a grinning and trash-talking Blythe. This is witnessed by
the two girls who, mind you, just got back from having their spirits brutally
tortured down in Satan’s lair. John is pretty dejected by this, but dumps the
two future goth girls off with their mother, who thanks him with a slap. In the
end, Constantine decides he’s done enough damage to one city, and is moving on
to a more deserving metropolis: Philadelphia! Raze that pit stain to the
ground!
Though the inclusion of Zatanna and
the gang seemed superfluous, and the economic theory applied was dubious at
best, I enjoyed this conclusion to a pretty strong run of stories about our
favorite British magician. I would have liked to see Riley Rossmo do the whole
series’ interiors, but I would also like the ability to dunk in basketball and
to have back all those issues of Atari
Force that I sold years ago. Eryk Donovan did a capable job at the tail end
of this run, and I would say this was his best issue. I don’t know that Doyle
and Tynion’s time on Constantine would rank among the works of Ennis and
Dillon, but in consideration of the preceding run during the New 52, it was a
real good time and I enjoyed it overall.
Bits and Pieces:
You may need to consult with your satanic accountant to comprehend this issue to its fullest, but it is a good story and a nice conclusion to the series. The characterization of John Constantine as a hapless dickhead was conveyed well, and despite what seemed like unnecessary padding over the last few issues, it's been a good read. Ever stop to think that Constantine is sort of the Ziggy of the magic world? A lovable loser who always mucks things up despite his best intentions. I want to see one-panel comics of John Constantine getting peeved off at a department store's Returns counter or being mocked by God. Get on that, DC!
Liked this issue oh! and you're the one being the dick
ReplyDeleteLet's not argue. We're both dicks!
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