Written By: Brooks Roberts & David Kob
Directed By: Jesse Warn
First Aired: May 17, 2016
Last week was 99% fucking-balls-to-the-face-AWESOME! It was the best episode of the season and easily one of the best episodes of the entire run. We learned about the speed force, we found out why Barry has been being suck a fucking tool all season, we got to see the awesome pairing of Cisco and Iris and we didn't really even have to deal with add on characters like Jesse and Wally who have been brought in to play the "Sam from Diff'rent Strokes" roll of show killer. It reminded us of all that we love about Barry Allen and the Flash Mob (TM).
My only issue with the episode is that in the final scene, a scene that seemed to be setting up tonight's episode. It reminded me that Jay "Male-porn-stars-act-circles-around-me" Garrick is our fucking villain, and that they have completely shit the bed with any sort of character development for Caitlin Snow. Add a gallery of villains so corny that they looked like a cheesy add for one of them Halloween superstores that pop up in old vacated Blockbusters and those 30 seconds ruined a Flash-rection that was raging for the prior 59 minutes and 30 seconds.
Fuck it. I am hoping we can ride the momentum tonight, though I am skeptical because tonight's feature villain is the Earth-2 version of the least likable member of Team Arrow, Laurel "I'm the type of asshole that tells the teacher they forgot to assign homework" Lance. Fingers crossed gang.
Caught up? Good. Let's get into tonight's proceedings.
My only issue with the episode is that in the final scene, a scene that seemed to be setting up tonight's episode. It reminded me that Jay "Male-porn-stars-act-circles-around-me" Garrick is our fucking villain, and that they have completely shit the bed with any sort of character development for Caitlin Snow. Add a gallery of villains so corny that they looked like a cheesy add for one of them Halloween superstores that pop up in old vacated Blockbusters and those 30 seconds ruined a Flash-rection that was raging for the prior 59 minutes and 30 seconds.
Fuck it. I am hoping we can ride the momentum tonight, though I am skeptical because tonight's feature villain is the Earth-2 version of the least likable member of Team Arrow, Laurel "I'm the type of asshole that tells the teacher they forgot to assign homework" Lance. Fingers crossed gang.
Caught up? Good. Let's get into tonight's proceedings.
Explain It:
Oh dip! It looks like
the metas are reigning hell on Central City. The skyline is on fire, the police
force is under siege and the special effects budget is stretched. These fucking
metas got Central City looking like Detroit in the late 90s/early aughts. Who
is more destructive, corporate greed mixed with shitty local government or
metas humans from earth 2? Some questions are better left unanswered I
guess. Iris put it best - the metapocalypse is on and popping.
Back at Starlabs Caitlin is still all PTSD'ed the fuck out after her match.com hook up with Jay Garrett took a decidedly dark turn. Cisco is vibing out and seeing dead canaries and Barry is all new age and annoying like he just read the secret and is vision boarding his plan to take down Zoom with the power of suggestion and shit.
Across town Earth-2 Laurel Lance (LL) is on the scene as Black Siren and she sucks just as much as she always did but at least she is wrecking shit with some low budget effects and bringing down the Mercury Labs right as they had some ground breaking thinking going on.
Luckily Barry was alerted to the chaos thanks to Cisco's metahuman app that conveniently detects only bad metas. So nothing to worry about good metas! Cisco is the NSA of this meta-watching shit.
Barry uses his speed and some weird ass animation to save Dr. Christine McGee (fuck all those low rent fellows and research technicians though, let them perish, their sacrifice for science will always be remembered!!) from the collapsing rubble. If Barry was alive during 9/11 he would have Mark Wahlburg'd the shit out of it, but he would have only saved hedge fund managers and Jamie Diamond from the Trade Center rubble. Dudes an asshole like that.
Back on the street Doc McGee drops a truth bomb on Barry by letting him know his disguise is hella weak and she knows who he is, but don't worry Bar-dog your secrets safe.
Wally had decided to go all old school vigilantism like he is Charlie Bronson or some shit but shit back fires and he is about to get some from a dude who shoots ectoplasm from his hands or some shit. Luckily Joe is on the scene and hems up that meta with some old school torturer, sorry enhanced interrogation device. It's not torture when morally superior Americans are doing it to Earth-2 refugee scum.
Joe starts laying into Wally about his actions and Wally breaks down. Dude has the weight of the world on his shoulders cause Barry didn't tell him the truth, no way this blows back on the Flash Mob (TM). Fucking Barry
Jesse is working with Caitlin to find out if she is a meta and Harry gets all 'not my daughter' like some Southern Baptist who just found out his kid is gay. Jesse is so out on the street if she is a Meta because Harry is apparently a bigot.
Barry finds the special project in the wreckage of Doc McGee's lab, we don't find out what it is, but it's in what looks like an Adidas sneaker box. Maybe it's them new Kobe Bryant's or some shit.
Back at Starlabs Caitlin is still all PTSD'ed the fuck out after her match.com hook up with Jay Garrett took a decidedly dark turn. Cisco is vibing out and seeing dead canaries and Barry is all new age and annoying like he just read the secret and is vision boarding his plan to take down Zoom with the power of suggestion and shit.
Across town Earth-2 Laurel Lance (LL) is on the scene as Black Siren and she sucks just as much as she always did but at least she is wrecking shit with some low budget effects and bringing down the Mercury Labs right as they had some ground breaking thinking going on.
Luckily Barry was alerted to the chaos thanks to Cisco's metahuman app that conveniently detects only bad metas. So nothing to worry about good metas! Cisco is the NSA of this meta-watching shit.
Barry uses his speed and some weird ass animation to save Dr. Christine McGee (fuck all those low rent fellows and research technicians though, let them perish, their sacrifice for science will always be remembered!!) from the collapsing rubble. If Barry was alive during 9/11 he would have Mark Wahlburg'd the shit out of it, but he would have only saved hedge fund managers and Jamie Diamond from the Trade Center rubble. Dudes an asshole like that.
Back on the street Doc McGee drops a truth bomb on Barry by letting him know his disguise is hella weak and she knows who he is, but don't worry Bar-dog your secrets safe.
Wally had decided to go all old school vigilantism like he is Charlie Bronson or some shit but shit back fires and he is about to get some from a dude who shoots ectoplasm from his hands or some shit. Luckily Joe is on the scene and hems up that meta with some old school torturer, sorry enhanced interrogation device. It's not torture when morally superior Americans are doing it to Earth-2 refugee scum.
Joe starts laying into Wally about his actions and Wally breaks down. Dude has the weight of the world on his shoulders cause Barry didn't tell him the truth, no way this blows back on the Flash Mob (TM). Fucking Barry
Jesse is working with Caitlin to find out if she is a meta and Harry gets all 'not my daughter' like some Southern Baptist who just found out his kid is gay. Jesse is so out on the street if she is a Meta because Harry is apparently a bigot.
Barry finds the special project in the wreckage of Doc McGee's lab, we don't find out what it is, but it's in what looks like an Adidas sneaker box. Maybe it's them new Kobe Bryant's or some shit.
Henry pulls Barry aside and starts prying for answers about Barry's new found spirituality.
He is giving Barry shit and Barry called him out for being an absentee pops, but they make nice right as Barry gets another Meta alert courtesy of Cisco's app. It's Zoom. Barry races over to confront him. Turns out Zoom has been lamping up in Barry's lab the whole time. Zoom doesn't want to fight. He just wants to talk shit on Barry's moms. Zoom has gone full Johnny from Karate Kid in this episode but he doesn't want no beef. He just wants to Let Barry know that he knows that he is a fucking glory boy who would rather save one life then get his hands dirty dealing with real threat. Barry sounds like a real liberal asshole.
After the tet-a-tet with Zoom, Barry and the gang come up with the sweet ass course of action for dealing with these Earth-2 shit bags - Vibration attack!!!!!!!!! Of course Barry is all smug and shit about coming up with the idea, meanwhile the rest of the crew is hella weary. The last time Barry was this confident he fucked up two versions of earth yo!
Cisco has more canary visions.
Joe doesn’t allow Barry much of a celebration for his sweet fucking idea. Instead he snitches out Wally to Barry and dumps a gang of pressure on him practically guilting the Flash to holler at Wally
Barry runs up on LL who is kicking it at some intersection, they talk which only serves to remind you just how much LL sucks. Then she blasts Barry with some scream juice. Looks like our man is doomed and then Wally comes through all Walter white with the Aztek and gives LL a bit of the old hit and run. Barry tries to breach the subject of Wally’s amateur vigilantism, but Wally kills that noise quick.
Zoom, who apparently has set up shop in Barry’s lab brings LL in to talk about taking down some buildings and shit. Turns out his plan is deeper than anyone thought, because of course it is.
Cisco came up with a way to implement Barry’s frequency plan, which requires Barry to run around the city creating a barrier so the sound bounces around and fucks up meta shit bruh.
Of course that god damned meta app goes off and Barry is ready
to abandon the whole fucking shit because some sheet-rock-eye-soar-of-a-high-rise filled with trust fund kids who are ruining the neighborhood anyway, is
about to get brought down by LL. Harry calls him on his glory boy shit and Cisco
informs the gang that he has the worst plan ever…and yes, its pretty fucking
shitty.
Cisco and Caitlin do some
earth 2 cosplay dressing up like Reverb and Killer Frost to trick LL, somehow
they have a full wardrobe of metahuman outfits in Starlabs along with that
fucking morgue from last week. They run the okeydoke on LL, until LL figures
out it is a farce. Just as shit is about to kill them Cisco vibed a blast from
his hand. OH SHIT!!
The frequency thang works. Wells sacrificed himself to save Jesse. Zoom broke the Fuck out through a portal like a pussy and all the metas are round up by Barry.
It looks like everything seems hunky dory. Time for a family dinner at Joe’s crib, and Christina McGee is up in the spot. Seems like she and Henry have chemistry in the lab and the bedroom! Barry pulls Iris aside and lets her know he is down to get up in them guts. Wally and Jesse have sparks. Shit sparks are fucking everywhere, hope the curtains don’t catch fire.
Suddenly, Cisco vibes some more birds, this time in his vibe, he turns around and earth-2 is getting ripped in fucking half. Barry is all, what did you vibe, Wally is all “Vibe?” Zoom bum rushes shit, snatches Henry, and calls Barry Flash as he bounces leaving a turd on the table. Wally looks betrayed as fuck, I told you this shit was going to be a fucking issue.
Barry
chases Zoom around the city back to his childhood crib, where he kills Henry.
Barry is all Darth Vader at the end of Revenge of the Sith, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
HOLY FUCKING SHIT! What an episode.
Even Jay/Zoom was awesome I am floored. Or I was until I saw next week’s
preview which is basically Chariots of Fire. These fuckers are settling shit
with a foot race? What the fuck is this
Steve Prefontaine bullshit?
Why Barry Allen Is An Asshole This Week (The Joe Edition):
Joe was a fucking prick this week, nagging, snitching, and just being a fucking dick. Step your game up Joe, you are letting America down.
9.5/10
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