Written By: Brooke Roberts & Katherine Walczak
Directed By: John F. Showalter
First Aired: April 26, 2016
It's been a week our time since Barry Allen fucked up not one, but two versions of earth because he is a petulant little asshole who decided to go all George W. Bush and launch a preemptive war, based on hubris and bad intelligence, ultimately leading to disastrous consequences.
In case you forgot, Barry decided, despite the objections of everyone he loves and trusts, to open up some portals and go after a diminished and dying Zoom only ending up getting ganked for his own speed and providing the cure for Zoom's speed sickness, thus making his adversary even more powerful.
What a fucking asshole.
In case you forgot, Barry decided, despite the objections of everyone he loves and trusts, to open up some portals and go after a diminished and dying Zoom only ending up getting ganked for his own speed and providing the cure for Zoom's speed sickness, thus making his adversary even more powerful.
What a fucking asshole.
Explain It:
Looks like old Bar-dog is still reeling from such a major fuck up. We join Barry in the midst of one of those sweet ass snooze button dreams where you feel like you are awake but you are still dreaming only to be woken up 9 minutes later by the cruel wailing of the alarm Clock, much like Barry Allen, god is a fucking dick.
Sadly, Barry is just a slow asshole like the rest of us, he needs to do laundry but frebreezes his shirts so they don't smell like old Chinese food, cigarettes and hookers, he has to wait on line for coffee and Barry "fucking" Allen rides the bus....fucking loser.
Sadly, Barry is just a slow asshole like the rest of us, he needs to do laundry but frebreezes his shirts so they don't smell like old Chinese food, cigarettes and hookers, he has to wait on line for coffee and Barry "fucking" Allen rides the bus....fucking loser.
Things don't get much better at the office/Star Labs, Barry mopes around like he is listening to Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple, while everyone tries to cheer him up, everyone that is but Wells because Wells is a fucking adult who understands what happens when you get all puffed up over bullshit principle and decide not to go and vote because Bernie lost resulting in a Trump/Cruz presidency.
Grow up asshole.
Sorry I got off track.
Yeah right, Wells is the only one that calls Barry out for being a fucking asshole that fucked up two worlds. Sure he does it all in that whisper voice thing that The D.O.C. had to do after the car accident ruined his vocal cords and took away one of the best rap talents ever, but still we get the point. Wells is my surrogate and gets to call Barry out for his bullshit while everyone else avoids eye contact and tells Barry to keep his perfect chin up.
Grow up asshole.
Sorry I got off track.
Yeah right, Wells is the only one that calls Barry out for being a fucking asshole that fucked up two worlds. Sure he does it all in that whisper voice thing that The D.O.C. had to do after the car accident ruined his vocal cords and took away one of the best rap talents ever, but still we get the point. Wells is my surrogate and gets to call Barry out for his bullshit while everyone else avoids eye contact and tells Barry to keep his perfect chin up.
Fucking enablers.
With that Wells breaks out to go find his daughter to protect her from the threat that Barry Allen exposed all of us too. He is able to finally locate her because it turns out that people from Earth 2 have different vibrational frequencies than we do and that causes cell service to drop or some shit. I for one still plan to blame AT&T for their shitty service.
Wells finds his daughter Jesse and she is still all worked up because he merked some loser fuck to protect her. She pulls the sulky teen bullshit and tells Wells to bounce. Homeboy hangs his head and rolls out.
Quick side bar. How the fuck did she land a dope two bedroom apartment? Homegirl has been on Earth 1 for like two weeks, one of which she spent locked in a fucking lab. She has no ID, no history, and no references and I am guessing she was light on Earth 1 cash when she ran away a few episodes back so how the fuck does she have a bank account? Exactly how the fuck does this work? Is she working off the books? Selling weed? Talk to me Flash writers, how the fuck does this run away from another planet get established so quickly?
While Wells is driving home he runs across the worlds corniest-sad-sack-of-potatos-meta-human yet and has a whole to do. Long story short, this meta-human is super strong, but anytime he uses that strength he ages like a decade. So howsabout this shit brains, don't fucking use your super strength and run that pickle jar under some hot water to loosen lid like the rest of us.
Back on Earth 2 Caitlin (who has become so uninterested that I forgot that she was kidnapped by Zoom at the end of the last episode, is still being held by Zoom. She meets Killer Frost who is way cooler than Caitlin, she even has the green raver-girl lipstick to prove it. Caitlin agrees to break her out in exchange for the ill team up to escape Zoom's mountain hideaway. Oh and we still don't know who the asshole with the mask is on Earth 2, my guess, Oliver Queen Earth 2 edition, why the fuck not right? Or maybe his brother Ronnie Raymond.
Any-fucking-way, Zoom catches them in the act, ices Killer Frost and then gets all crazy eyed and tells Caitlin if she wants to go back to Earth 1 so badly then that is exactly what they are going to do. He plans to take over Earth 1. Thanks a-fucking-lot Barry.
Back to the case of the week, the Flash Mob (TM) find Jesse, bring her into the fold and they defeat Strongy McOldguy by making him punch Barry until he gets to old and dies.
Jesse and Wells make up, because really what daughter doesn't want her dad killing muthafuckers in her name, Isn't that how England was created or some shit? Plus it is the whole reason for the success of the Taken franchise right? I am assuming that teenage girls went to see it in droves.
So muthafuckers are once again honky dory and shit, and they decide its time to help Barry get his speed back. Wells drops the bomb on them that he is going to build another particle accelerator and hook B-Dogs up with some sweet speed, what could go wrong? Why not just give Barry some Meth and get it over with, I mean sure he will spend half the episode vacuuming the front yard, but he will be all sorts of fast.
Why Barry Allen Is An Asshole This Week:
For the most part he wasn't, I appreciate a humbled Barry Allen, he uses his head and makes the right choices instead of his need to prove he has a big wiener. He played it smart, threw himself into some serious danger, and even showed some remorse for being a shithead last week.
HOW-FUCKING-EVER!!! When Wally, who he sacrificed his speed for last week, wanted to meet the Flash to thank him, Barry still couldn't come right out and let Wally's bitch ass know that he was the Flash? Why the fuck not? The whole family already knows! Inevitably, someone (I'm looking at you Joe) is going to let that shit slide on the Fourth of July after 7 or 8 Bud Limes. Why not get it out of the way so Wally doesn't feel like a chump when he finds out he is the only asshole in the West family that didn't know this?
Barry Allen is a dick.
HOW-FUCKING-EVER!!! When Wally, who he sacrificed his speed for last week, wanted to meet the Flash to thank him, Barry still couldn't come right out and let Wally's bitch ass know that he was the Flash? Why the fuck not? The whole family already knows! Inevitably, someone (I'm looking at you Joe) is going to let that shit slide on the Fourth of July after 7 or 8 Bud Limes. Why not get it out of the way so Wally doesn't feel like a chump when he finds out he is the only asshole in the West family that didn't know this?
Barry Allen is a dick.
8.5/10
PS: For some reason Joe spends the whole episode looking like Silent Bob.
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