I Get By With a
Little Help From My Elephants
Written By: Christos Gage
and Ruth Fletcher Gage
Art By: Dario Brizuela, Andres Ponce, Kelly
Fitzpatrick
Letters By: Wes Abbott
Digital Price: $0.99
Release Date: March 6, 2016
*Non Spoilers and Score At The Bottom*
DC Digital,
scamps that they are, decided to drop part two of this “Orion the Hunter” story
last Sunday with no preamble or reason. Wonder
Woman ’77, for the past month, had been coming out every other Monday
(opposite Adventures of Supergirl). Then they plop the finale of this two-part
story six days after the first chapter. DC Digital, are you reading this? I
know you are timing this with an eventual print release, but if you can’t stick
to a regular schedule on digital chapters? THEN DON’T FUCKING BOTHER PUTTING
THEM OUT AT ALL. Someone accustomed to getting their Wonder Woman ’77 bi-weekly will be checking on applicable Mondays.
And, since you know that via the app, you can really only see three or four
days’ worth of releases in the “Just Added” tab, a chapter of Wonder Woman ’77 from two weeks ago is
not going to show up. Oh, they can always search for it, you say? Well the
customer can also come over to the DC offices and clean your buttcracks with
their tongues, can’t they? Why don’t you have the customer give you a reach
around while slobbering on your genitalia and furiously swiping their tablets
to find the goddamned comics they want to read? Are you in the business of
selling digital comics or not? Because if you’re not, if this is some
afterthought curiously released before the almighty print edition, then STOP.
Okay, rant over. Despite my frustration with DC digital, I really like this
comic—so let’s wash the bad taste of my oral diatribe from our mouths and read
on to my review!
Explain It!:
So the last
two-part story had Clayface going to Paradise Island to absorb magic clay in
the first chapter, then Wonder Woman kicking his ass six ways to Sunday in the
second chapter. This two-parter, with Wonder Woman going against illegal ivory
hunters, operates in much the same way. And let me tell you: it’s a formula
that’s working. Set ‘em up, then knock ‘em down. It’s so satisfying to see a
hero just win, take on the
overwhelming forces of evil and straight up humiliate them. So last chapter
ended with Wonder Woman and, uh, park ranger for the elephant preserve Grace
Mbesi being held at gunpoint by a bunch of mercenaries employed by Orion the
Hunter, a phony philanthropist that uses his influence and location on the
preserve to kill elephants. Looks like the odds are stacked against them, but
then a bunch of elephants barge into the compound and upset a bunch of hunters.
Diana made friends with elephants last chapter, you know, because she is so
fucking awesome. Then they try to shoot Wonder Woman, and she’s all kapweeng!
Kapwing! Kapwin-pwing! Making bullets ricochet off her bracelets and talking
menacingly to the hunters and Orion, just making them her bitch in every way.
And elephant
busts clear through the fucking wall of the compound and Orion tells someone to
hop in the helicopter and fire missiles at the compound. He does so, and then
Wonder Woman catches the motherfucking
missiles in her hands and throws them back at the hunters’ vehicles. By now
you can assume that the hunters’ trouses are thoroughly soaked with urine, as
they well should be. She uses her lasso to yank the pilot from the helicopter
and it crashes into the main building on Orion’s compound, demolishing it
totally. Incredulous, Orion pulls out a pistol and fires at Diana, and we just
have to laugh. She takes the gun from Orion like an adult would take a toy from
a child and rips it apart. Are you paying attention? Wonder Woman rips a
fucking gun in half in front of this sorry son of a bitch. Grace puts Orion in
cuffs, which at that point I assume was little more than moving his limp arms
behind his back and passively putting handcuffs on, so severe must have been
his state of shock. To finish it off, Diana gives a press conference urging
nations of the world to stop trading in ivory, and inform the next generation
that it is unnecessary so elephants don’t go extinct. The same leader of this
county whose name we didn’t even bother to catch tells Wonder Woman she can’t
say that, and she informs him firmly that she can do whatever the hell she
likes. And then she addresses the reader directly and tells us to stop fucking
killing elephants for their ivory.
Much of the world
does condemn the use of ivory today—though there is a modern poaching crisis—but Wonder Woman’s message is received, loud and clear. I’m not even
going to use Ivory soap. It was so cool be addressed by her personally, I
almost squealed. The art is okay, better in some parts than others, but it
doesn’t diminish the story that was a lot of fun. If you like to see Wonder
Woman take out bad dudes and send a positive message while she’s doing it, then
you’ve found the right comic. And if you are considering the purchase of an
ivory-handled toothbrush, then Wonder Woman is coming for you!
Bits and Pieces:
Fools try to take
out Wonder Woman, but she’s all pweeng! Kapweeng-pweeng! And then the elephants
are all smash! Bash! Loud trumpeting sound! And the elephant poachers are like
what? Huh? Why am I being humiliated and demolished? And then Orion the Hunter
is all “Oh wow, I am totally being humiliated and demolished.” The art is a
little rough in some parts, but does very well to serve a chapter that can
essentially be summed up as “Wonder Woman wins.”
8/10
No comments:
Post a Comment