Starring: Grant Gustin, David Ramsey, Audrey Marie Anderson et
al.
Story By: Greg Berlanti, Andrew Kreisberg, Geoff Hohns, Lilah
Vandenbuegh, David Kob, Lauren Certo
Directed By: Glen Winter
First Aired: March 22, 2016
While Reggie is gallivanting around former Communist bloc
nations I will be covering Flash because I am a fucking champ like that.
So let’s quickly get caught up, because Barry Allen and co
have been on an extended break. When we last left the Flash Mob ™ shit went
tits up. Barry, Cisco, Wells, and Wells’ kid left earth 2 in the clutches of
Zoom but not before Zoom was able to reach through the closing portal and kill
Jay Garrick and officially turn Caitlin into the woman no sane person will ever
date.
Explain It:
We join the Flash Mob ™ at the side of some glorified ravine where it appears as though Barry is still being a dick about wanting to go back to Earth 2 because he didn’t kill Zoom which makes him feel like his wiener is small. So Barry does Barry things by failing to make the leap because of his small wiener/lack of confidence, Caitlin and Wells do Caitlin and Wells things by being joy kills and Cisco, well Cisco is the fucking best, so of course he has drones and saves Barry’s dumb ass.
Back at the lab, Barry continues being
first-half-of-every-episode-arrogant-shit-bird Barry and the rest of the crew
isn’t having it. Cisco suggests they hit the Central City night scene and see
what kind of strange they can get into. Barry finally relents, and finds them a
club that appears to be the kind of place that recently immigrated Russians
chill at (tacky decor, shitty music, bad clothes, over priced drinks, nuff
skanks, etc.). Wells’ kid gets to tag-along but only after Wells breaks her off
with his watch so he can track her, and Iris and her brother also show up to kill
the vibe.
Just as things get moving and Cisco assassinates the dance
floor, a speedster rips through the club and ganks everyone for their goods.
Why? Because we have an episode to fill!!!!
The next day while the gang is all still tripping over the night
before Caitlin lets it slip that though most speedsters are made by atomic
accelerators exploding, the rare few get hopped up on speed drugs to get their
power. This of course sets Barry off on some bratty pouting bullshit about how
unfair the world is, but don’t worry folks, he will come around and realize
that drugs are bad (though I bet if they gave him some mushrooms he would
really be able to conceptualize getting faster bro).
Meanwhile Iris’ boss, who for unknown reasons has a hard-on for Flash, thinks the new
speedster who is causing trouble is actually Flash. He posits that Flash snapped because he sees all the other meta-humans getting over and he is mad that he
can’t. While somewhat accurate because Barry is a whiny asshole, it still rings of some player hater bullshit to me. Of course he has it out
for Iris because he assumes that Iris is on the Flash’s tip and as a hater he
can’t allow that shit to fly in his newsroom. Plus he kind of wants to be her man.
Oh and somewhere along the way, Wells’ daughter finds some
message on the watch Wells was using to track her where he conveniently
recorded that he was going to kill everybody if need be to get his daughter
back. She predicatively acts like a
teenager and gets all self-righteous because she does not know the love a
father feels for his daughter. Shits real bruh.
Somewhere along the way, Barry finds out the new speedster
is a she not a he, and which leads Caitlin to remember that she worked on
Velocity 9 with her home girl Eliza from her old job. Joe and Caitlin pay Eliza
a visit and kick the tires to see if she knows anything. Eliza plays it cool as
fuck, but due to shitty mask technology we know she is the lady speedster. I am
not sure why muthafuckers act like those masks do anything to hide your
identity, just because a bunch of rich perverts in Eyes Wide Shut used them to “hide
their identity” doesn’t mean that shit actually works. When Joe and Caitlin
dip, Eliza loses her shit, apparently her personality split, her speed side is
running the show and that bitch wants to raise
some hell bruh.
The lady speedster breaks into Star Labs, bum rushes Flash
causing him to drop and break the last vile of V-9 and then tosses his bitch
ass in the Star Lab prison. Then she
holds Wells’ daughter at gun point, lets everyone know her name is Trajectory,
which gets Cisco hella moist, and demands that Caitlin and Wells maker her a
new batch of V-9.
Because Trajectory is an erratic tweeker, she dumps some of
the V-9 in Wells’ daughter (since I am only doing this once I refuse to remember her
name because she sucks) and bounces. The V-9 is too pure for Well’s daughter to
handle and she starts overdosing. Wells being the wonderful father that he is,
breaks her off with a blood transfusion to save her. Of course she is still all
butt hurt about his micro-aggressions and decides she needs to shun the man and hope a Greyhound out of town, she is totally going to end up in a Poison video.
Fucking kids suck.
Caitlin being smart and all laced the V-9 currently coursing
through Trajectory’s body with a tracking device. Trajectory is running back
and forth on a bridge, why? Who the fuck knows. Tweekers are constantly doing
weird shit like vacuuming the front yard or cooking their children. Turns out
our tweeker is trying to destroy the bridge via vibrations or some stupid shit.
Barry, now free from Wells prison breaks out to deal with this once and for
all. Trajectory has caused the bridge to start collapsing. Barry, saves all 200
people on the bridge and almost gets his hands on that speed freak but she
jets and causes the bridge to crumble, leaving Barry and 200 simps on the
other side.
Barry, says fuck it, and decides he is going to leap the
expanse and end this shit. Barry has to hit mach 3.3 to make the leap, and what
the fuck do you know, he does it, gets the drop on Trajectory, but she has
other plans. As she prepares a fresh dose of the V-9 Barry goes all Nancy
Reagan on her extolling the evils of drugs but Trajectory is a junkie, never
trust a junkie, she shoots up, takes in a streak of blue lightning and
then disintegrates because her molecular integrity was all fucked up due to the V-9 and Barry is all:
Barry tells the gang what happens, and they start making all
sorts of logic leaps, Eliza was sick thus blue lightning, Zoom has blue
lightning so he must be sick, and oh shit, Jay was sick too. JAY IS ZOOM, ZOOM IS JAY.
At this point Cisco tells everyone he has been having mad
Zoom vibes, but he didn’t want people to think he was a creep. Barry breaks
open the Lucite case holding that stupid fucking helmet Jay wore and hands it
to Cisco, Boom Cisco is vibing the shit out of Zoom. For some reason Barry immediately jets to
the ravine he was trying to jump earlier and lets out a primal
scream.
Barry is a fucking asshole.
Best.Flash.Review.Ever.
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