Gosh, But These
Ladies Can Chat
Written By: Tim Seeley
Art By: Matthew Clark, Sean Parsons, Rob
Schwager
Letters By: Travis Lanham
Cover Price: $0.99
Release Date: January 4, 2016
*Non Spoilers and Score At The Bottom*
Concluding the
poor widdle digital title that went unloved by DC’s marketing department, we
return to an early adventure of Batgirl and the origin of Harley Quinn as
defined by the video game Batman: Arkham Knight.
Except that Harley looks nothing like she does in that game. And neither does
the Joker. Neither does Batman, come to think of it, though you only see him in
one panel, all ensconced in shadow. So maybe we should dispense with the whole
video game backdrop and take this issue on its own merits, because it wouldn’t
be the first time a comic book publisher slapped the name of a licensed
property to which it had no connection in order to artificially boost sales.
Unrelated to that thought, be sure to buy DC’s anthology title Legends of Tomorrow due out in March!
While you’re waiting, you can read my review!
Explain It!:
We pick up right where the last issue left off, at the weird Liquid Black
Circus and Carnivale where a newly-minted Harley Quinn has set a tiger free for
funsies. While Harley continues to free various circus animals—and a
hippo—Barbara Gordon changes into her Batgirl gear that is reminiscent of the
uniform she wears in Batman: Arkham
Knight. Harley bumps into a bunch of laughing hyenas, which she promptly frees
and promises to keep as pets. So hey, we find out how she got her “babies,” if
you were wondering. Batgirl comes on the scene and tackles Harley, then tricks
the tiger into getting caught in an oil slick and breaks the tiger like a rodeo
bronc—and she doesn’t fucking shut up the
entire time. There’s something endearingly old school about all of this
chatter describing what is happening in-panel, but there’s a reason you don’t
see it in modern comics and that’s because it’s ridiculous. Barbara even goes
so far to tell no one in particular that she learned how to ride a bucking
bronco from a library book, a fact which is neither relevant nor plausible
given the scenario of riding an enraged tiger. She eventually subdues the
striped cat and turns her attention to Harley.
They duke it out, Harley with her giant mallet and Batgirl with her, uh,
Batgirl abilities, and all the while they chit-chat like a couple of old hens.
Exchanging some quips in the heat of battle is standard comic book fare, but
people don’t normally have expository conversations while they are fighting for
their lives. Batgirl explains to Quinn that the Joker doesn’t love her, he’s
just using her because men are dogs, every one of them, am I right ladies?
Unsurprisingly, Batgirl beats the snot out of Harley, who is then beset by a
hippopotamus—ah yes, the carnival hippopotamus! Why, I remember going to the
traveling carnival as a lad to see the laughing hyenas and trick hippos.
Incidentally, did you know that hippopotami are the most vicious predators in
the jungle? Babs defuses the situation by tossing out a flash grenade, which
stuns the hippo and also allows Harley her escape.
Later, presumably, Batman tells Batgirl she done good, kid, despite
having told her to stop copying him last issue. She tells him she is strong,
she is invincible, she is womaaan and takes off on her Bat-line. There’s also
an epilogue where the Joker laughs at Harley and she threatens to end their
arrangement, but then the Joker hands her a flower made from playing cards and
she crumbles because she is a cheap date.
If you stop trying to link this comic to the world as defined by the Batman: Arkham Knight video game, you
wind up with a mediocre and largely forgettable book. Most of the dialogue is
terrible, and goes on way too long in juxtaposition with the action happening
on the page, but the story is also insipid and pointless so if you’re in for a
penny, you’re in for a pound. The only thing this comic really “gave” us is
Harley Quinn’s origin, a fairly unsatisfying story that is incongruent with her
character across all Bat-media. Matthew Clark’s art is good, yet this issue
lacks the cool montage pages and panel designs that the last one had. For a
buck, you can’t expect too much, but if you can put that dollar towards a 7-11
burrito instead, I recommend you do so.
Bits and Pieces:
Its ties to the Batman: Arkham Knight video game are
tenuous, and the story is ho-hum and inconsequential, but this isn’t the worst
thing you can get for a buck these days. I’d say a can of that “Mountain Dew
Berry Booyah” shit is worse. Whatever it’s called, I don’t know. The shit they
give kids today is deplorable. I saw a kid eating a slice of pizza and drinking
a 16 oz. “Red Bull” as a drink on the side, I almost called the police. That
boy’s heart is going to give out before he turns twenty. And don’t get me
started on the smart phones! Which, incidentally, you could use to download and
read this book, if you were so inclined.
6/10
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